Suicidal Poem o Mga Bagay na Naisulat Ko Noong Hatinggabing Nakasisindak

Inaayos ko ang gulu-gulo kong libro at notebooks sa shelves nang mabasa ang isang hindi tapos na tulang naisulat ko mga ilang taon na rin ang nakaraan. Ilang minuto ko rin itong paulit-ulit na binasa. Hindi ko maintindihan ang gusto kong ipahiwatig. Magulo malamang ang isipan ko nang mga sandaling iyon o baka naman sadyang mabilis lang makalimot ang utak kong tumatanda na. Hanggang sa unti-unting nagkalinaw na parang tubig na malabo at mala magical film na biglang luminaw ang tubig dahil sa kapangyarihan ng itim na bato ng isang magiting na superhero. Tuuggshh. Alam ko na. Sinulat ko ang tulang iyon noong gusto ko nang wakasan ang buhay ko. Ako nga ang taong madilim mag-isip minsan, minsan lang naman. Melancholic at nakakaburyong ang pananaw ko sa buhay. Pero hindi pa ako umabot sa paglalaslas ng pulso. Ayoko mamatay ng may dugo. Gusto ko malinis na kamatayan. Ayoko ng may galos o marka ng karahasan. Kaya naman sa isipan ko lang pilit nilalason ang aking katawang lupa. Pilit pinipigilan ng utak ko ang pag daloy ng dugo sa aking blood vessels. Parang tanga lang. Pero ayon sa nabasa ko sa website na cracked.com, mas nagiging matalino ang mga taong malulungkot. Mas nagiging creative, mas nagiging logical, rational, artistic, realistic at malalim. Ewan ko pero parang totoo. Ewan. Basta naisipan ko lang isulat dito ang tulang hindi tapos na ‘yon bago ko itapon ang papel na pinagsulatan.

 

(Walang Pamagat)

Hinihintay ko ang sikat ng araw sa silangan

Hanging humahaplos, asul na karagatan

Umiindak sa ritmo ng tugtuging sumasabay

Sa inog ng mundong tinatangay

Patungo roon sa paraisong tiwasay

 

Hinihintay ko ang sipol ng hangin sa madaling araw

Wari’y banta ng iyong pagdalaw

Ikaw na dagliang lumisan at naglaho

Salamin kang winasak at binuong muli upang maging sagrado

Ikaw na banal ang hulmahan ang makaririnig ng palahaw

Ng sawi, tuyot sa masidhing uhaw

 

Ganito ang kahulugan nito sa akin. Hinihintay ko ang kamatayan. Ang Ikaw na aking binabanggit ay ang aking kapatid na pumanaw. Hinihintay kong sunduin niya ako. Ako’y nalulunod sa kalungkutan. Nais ko nang mamatay upang maging maligaya. Huwag mag-alala, matagal na ‘yan at masaya mag midnight snack ng pizza.

Eros Versus Thanatos

I’ve seen her again. I shivered at the fierceness of her glare as she approached me like a ghost in the night. Why I never got used to her resentment and hostile nature? My fear of her deluded me into thinking I didn’t know her and she didn’t know me.

But I knew her too well as much as she knew me. I knew every bit detail of her dead pale complexion against the blackness of her sophisticated silk dress.  Her face glistened with sinister arrogance I furtively envied but blatantly hated. I don’t venture to look at someone with such ferocity.

“What now?” I heard her whisper while grinning her deadly grin.

“Don’t dare come nearer or I’ll kill you!” I snapped in horror.

Her grin turned into a hearty laugh.

“You called me, remember? You summoned my presence to feast on your sweet death, my friend.” Her voice emerged. “And how can you kill me when we both know that you’re a fucking frail! That’s the utter reason why you asked me to be here–to kill because you cannot do it yourself. To kill you is to perpetuate my entity. Now tell me, how do you want me to do it?” Her smile was wide with enthusiasm.

“No! I never ask you anything. You want-”

“Nonsense hypocrite!” She slapped me hard. “I am your alternate being, a beast in your angelic soul, a gloomy side of your bright world!”

And though horrified I understood the solace her every word gave to me. To my consternation, she took a tight grip of my locks and dragged me to my room. I fell on the floor in crumbled heap. Never satisfied she ripped off my stuff neatly piled on my table. “I never like your taste for fucking living!”

I couldn’t believe what she has done.

“Of course,” I faced her. “You aren’t living. You’ll never be alive as long as I live.”

Her eyes burning now with rage and disdain. Then I suddenly felt a stab as she plunged her sharpened knife into my chest. She stabbed me more until I swam in my own blood. I struggled to fight back.

“You are only a second-rate persona, a forbidden figment of my imagination.” My face was now soaked in blood and sweat as I bravely glanced up at her.

She has already evanesced.

I gazed down at myself and was dazzled for I was dry. Though I could still feel the pain in the vicinity of my heart and the ruin she’s done on my things were there before me.